Sometimes, though, some of us get that faint pink line (see pic here) and get SO excited! Some of us tell only a few select people, others tell the world.
And then many of us receive the devastating news: just as quickly as you found out you're having a baby.. you find out you're really not.
We had our fourth miscarriage this week. I can't believe the ups and down of parenthood. We have one kid who is SO high-maintenance (it's not his fault, it's just his condition) and we swear we're done.. then things start to settle down, and we see how lonely he is sometimes. We start with the what if's: "what if he had a little brother or sister?" and we decide not to try, but not to prevent it either... and heartbreak results.. again.
I will admit, this entire process has reminded me how much of a miracle our little boy is. We did not think we could have children at all, yet here he is. I guess deep down, we were hoping that since we had L, maybe we could have more.. which may still be possible, but right now, we just don't know.
I wish I had all of the answers. I wish I knew why these things happen. I know I'm not alone, and many of you have experienced the same feeling of emptiness and loss. Just know you are not alone - and it's okay (and actually VITAL) to talk about it. So many of us suffer in silence because the rest of the world does not recognize an early miscarriage (or even a "chemical pregnancy") as a loss at all. Be validated here: it IS a loss - you NEED to grieve, to get through it, to have support.
Psalm 34:18-19 has spoken volumes to my heart through this: "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.."
I may not know each of you - but I know what it feels like. Please feel free to message me if I can help you at all - even if it's just to listen. I know it helps me.
-Amanda (now a mom to 4 angel babies, and one miracle boy)
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